I want to Sleep

Its past mid-night; I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. I tried a lot but certain random thoughts ran in to my mind and they are not letting me to sleep; the thoughts of my country, my religion and my future all of them are running endlessly in my mind and it is giving me headache; seriously.

The current chaos, which we are facing from last some months, or perhaps years or may be decades. There is very much unpredictability about the future of this country. In spite of all odds, it’s still surviving after 60 years. From past 10 years, since I became mature enough to establish my own personal opinion about various issues, I felt that the future of this country always seemed to be drizzling. One after another there are political, social and economic disorders. Infact these disorders exists from the very beginning, and I believe it will continue to be so till end. I am neither hopeful nor hopeless regarding the future of this country. God has given us this country, He will protect it. So no worries. This little thought is an easy way to escape from my responsibilities to this country. This thought is not letting me to sleep.

My religion of which I am part of has become quite controversial in the world; the teachings of Islam have been criticized deeply by the west. Infact in Muslim world, people are divided. There are two groups; Extremists and Liberals. The extremists have gone a mile away and believe that it’s correct to preach and implement Islam forcefully. Whereas, liberals feel that just being good to people and performing Hakook-ul-Ebad is all what Islam is about. They don’t care about Hakook-ul-Allah. Having pre-martial relationships, drinking, marrying non-Muslims, wearing revealing clothes, all of it is acceptable in modern Islam. This is what they believe. I am in between of two. Since I disagree with more than 80% of Liberal thoughts and on the flip side, honestly, I don’t pray regularly and sometimes I ignore certain Islamic principles just for my easiness or for my lust of worldly things. I am a Muslim by birth. This guilt of not being a true Muslim by heart is forbidding me to sleep.

Living in a big city like Lahore is quite artificial, as luxuries are more important than necessities and people are more interested in your materials than in actually you. I always dreamt of a simple life. Living in a small city; a city surrounded by green mountains; having a cozy home built in old style with a big garden; and running a shop to pay off your bills, and enjoying every moment of life in peace and calmness with my family, away from the hustle bustle and busy life of big city. But it will remain a dream. Because I could feel that future have something else for me, which is going to be very different from what, I dream. And this dream is disturbing my sleep.

There are questions in my mind, which I have always kept in backside of my brain. Life is so simple. All these thoughts just make it complex. I wish I could be a kid again so that I could sleep quietly, without thinking and worrying.

A Lost Memory...

When I was in class 1, there was a girl in my class. She was very introvert kind of girl and used to speak little. Look-wise she was average, brown skin, short black hairs till shoulders and a normal slim built. She was an intelligent girl and always stood first in class academically. Her elder brother also studied in the same school and they both come with their mom on car to school. I used to secretly admire her, but have never spoken to her. I even devise new ways to impress her. Sometimes I feel sad for that girl, since she doesn’t have many friends and mostly appeared to be lonely. I don’t know whether I pity her or love her... but she is the first girl to be in my earliest memories. After 1 class, her section was changed and I lost the touch. However, in class 4, we were class-fellows again. This time I came to know about her more deeply. I was still confused about my feelings for her even then. I and she were competitors in academic race. I used to stand first in class from boys, and she used to be first among girls. I was monitor of boys and she was monitor of girls, but she along with another friend once conspired against me and took my monitorship. I hated her on that moment. However, things got sorted out and I decided not to take revenge. After that class, I don't recall any of her memory, since her school branch was changed. Years after, I once saw her mother in nearby market of my house, so I assumed she lived nearby. I used to go for tuition for my matric examination in an academy. That academy has separate buildings for boys and girls. I saw her mother once outside girls building. That girl also studied there, but I have never seen her. That was the only time when I knew anything about her. After then, there were no other memories of her.

1/3 of My Life...

During the final days of my undergraduate course, I received a forwarded email from my friend regarding a job advertisement at a software house. He asked me to apply there. I made my resume and applied there and forgot. Some days later, I received an interview call from that company. I was completely blank about that company. I surfed on web and searched for information about it. There is a beautiful building on Jail Road named “EFU House”. It was one of the most beautiful buildings of Lahore in that time. Whenever I used to see that building, I always thought whether I will be ever be able to go into that building. Luckily that software house was situated in that building. At least, one of my wish came true. I went there. The time was around 4:00 pm. I introduced myself to the receptionist and she asked me to wait. That was my first ever job interview so it was un-anticipated for me. The receptionist had a chit chat with me, she asked me about myself and when I told her it was my first interview, she wished me good luck. Her kind gesture made me feel better. After that, I went for interview. It went okay and I came back and forgot. During those days, I was busy in my final project, so I couldn’t find much time to apply to other places for job. Also, doing job was not on my mind as I want to do masters and have applied in LUMS for that. I have made my mind to do teaching after completion of degree. After some weeks, I got second interview call from that company. I went and gave the interview. It was an okay interview, neither good nor bad. Meanwhile, my final project was completed and I was waiting for my result. I was about to start my job hunt. However, after some weeks, I got a third interview call from the same company. After some days of my third interview, I got a call from HR and I was told that I have been selected. I was called to discuss the contract and salary. The package they offered was quite decent and acceptable. I accepted the offer.

1 April 2004, was my first day at work. It took first some weeks to adjust in 9-6 routine and in new environment. The company was far better than my expectations. It had a very cool work environment. In the meanwhile, I got admission in LUMS for MS in CS programme. It was evident that I would do masters, but there was a choice, either to leave company and do masters or to do masters along with job. I have couple of months to decide which option to take and I left it on time. During my job, after having discussions with colleagues and doing some of my analysis, I realized that doing masters might not be a feasible way to go. I would be coming to same job after masters. Doing masters might not do any good for my work, except it will earn me a degree after having spent 1.5 years and 250,000 bucks. Inspite, in professional life experience matters most than the degree. Also, if I want to pursue further studies, then MBA would be best. So I dropped the idea of joining LUMS. Many months were passed; time moved on. A feeling started growing inside me, regarding work dissatisfaction. The work was quite different from what I have thought in my college days it would be. Remaining aloof from outside world, just confined to your PC and cabin whole day was not certainly my idea of job. The only escape I could think of then was doing MBA, but it needed time and money. I have to wait for more months. On the other side, the company was facing major financial problems. They were unable to pay salaries to staff.

At the end in February 2005, I resigned from my first job and decided to wait for my verdict of LUMS MBA admission application. Side by side, without much effort, I got another job offer. This time, the company was new and infant. It was started by my Project Manager of previous company. I joined REDMATH (PVT) LIMITED. After few months, I was informed that my application to LUMS MBA was rejected. Meanwhile, the regular raise in my salary and promotions helped me to heal that pain. Another year passed, and the job dissatisfaction was diminished, as I was pretty much occupied with work. In fact, I was enjoying work a lot. Being financial independent and spending money without ever thinking how much you have in wallet is an awesome feeling. Having parties with friends, buying whatever I like and dinning in some of the expensive places, all this was quite addictive. Next year I again applied to LUMS MBA, this time I prayed to God, if there is any good in it only then He should get me into LUMS otherwise I don’t need it. I got rejected once again. Allah doesn’t want me to do MBA from LUMS. OK, I accepted the will of God. I continued with my merry feelings. However, I felt regret of not doing masters. I regreted why I have refused admission in MS. I should have completed it. Education always makes a difference, even if it lasts for a day.

Some months ago, I could feel that the same old dissatisfaction is wakening inside me once again. Now, leaving job might not be a good idea because of earning handful of amount. I agree money has corrupted my mind and heart, as it does to most of us. Now, I have some other ways open in front of me but I don’t know what future holds for my career. Let’s see what happens next.

A Man with no Answers...

This discomfort has been growing inside from past 3 years. The desire to achieve, the passion to strive something in order to make my life and the world around me more meaningful, is becoming more and more aggressive day by day. What is this passion? What is this desire? Unfortunately, I don’t have any answers. I am still disillusioned. With every passing moment, it is becoming more and more worst. I don’t know what is missing from my life. Apparently, there seems to be nothing which I don’t have. I have enough money to spend on my luxuries. I have a good job, ideal family, great friends, but still something is missing. It’s not like missing some person or not having any love life, it is something else. Sometimes I think, may be it’s the monotonous life that I am having is bothering me. May be the same daily routine of my life is feeding this discomfort. But still I am no alien. In one way or another, every person’s life is monotonous. A laborer has to do same work whole day for each single day of his life to earn a livelihood. A doctor has to see his patients every day, a professor has to teach his students everyday. It’s a general rule of life; every person’s life revolves around a certain specific pattern. Every day we came across hundreds of people around ourselves. Every face has its own story. Every life is running in its own circle. I still haven’t yet understood the true meaning of life. What was the reason for it to start? Why death finishes it? Unfortunately, again I don’t have any answers. I am the man with no answers. I am the man with no words. I am the man who wants to learn the reason for every reason. I am the man who wants to walk rather than to run in this course of life. I am the man who wants peace for all the people around myself. I am the man, who is bounded by the society in the thick web of lies, fakeness and disloyalty, and I can’t take myself out of it. And why am I like that? Again, I have no answers because I am born this way. I can’t change myself, even if I have to. But wait; doesn’t this answer all my questions? Doesn’t it mean that not every question has an easy answer which is comprehendible? Life is just made this way and you can't change it even if you want to. It has happened to billions of people before me and it will continue to happen with billions of people after me. One has to accept this truth and then there will be no un-answered questions.

A Public Service Message...

Obesity has become more like a disease in recent times. One in every four people in world is suffering from it. Many new weight reducing drugs and exercise machines are popping into market regularly, each claiming to be more effective than the previous one, with no side-effects. Whenever you switch on television, on every other channel there is an advertisement of such products playing on. But are these drugs and machines effective? Are they providing long term solution or just cause temporary weight reduction? What will happen if you discontinue using these products? These questions should be answered first before using any of these. Primarily, adoption of fast-food culture and having tech-dependent lifestyle with less physical exertion are classified as the major root causes of obesity. Therefore, it’s better to switch to natural ways of dealing with obesity rather than using artificial ways which may not guarantee you long-term solution. Having a controlled diet with less sugar, soft drinks, sweets and fast food stuff along with some physical activity (swimming, walking, and working out) on daily basis is a healthy way to deal with obesity. It may take some time but eventually, this methodology has no side-effects and will give you a healthy life style.

PS: That was a public service message, I will continue with my sobbing later: P

Only Hope floats in the Deep end of the Ocean...

There are some quotes which have always inspired me throughout. These quotes have always given me the courage and hope to fight against all the difficulties and odds in my journey of life. Read them, may be they will gave you the same strength and hope, as they have given to me.

"The journey of thousand miles begins with a single step."

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose the sight of the shore."

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

25

Few days ago I celebrated my 25th birthday. It’s now been 25 official years, since I landed in this world. It just seemed like yesterday when I was a kid. It just feels like last Thursday, when I used to wait for my favorite cartoon show on television. It just seems like last Wednesday, when my English school teacher has given me an assignment to do. It just looks like last Friday, when I used to hurry back to home from my college, so that I can read my Jumma prayers in a mosque situated nearby my house. It just appears to be last Tuesday, when I used have a hectic university schedule. 25 years of life; so many memories; so many people: family, friends, fellows, strangers... Some were good and have made positive impact on my life... Some made negative; so many incidents; ups and downs; the reminiscences of joy, carefree, freedom and memoirs of sadness, pessimism, betrayals; My life wasn’t been perfect as I used to desire for. There were many imperfections left during this course. I mostly never got what I desired for. And what I never thought of , it was given to me. I might not have the best of best human beings around myself; I might not have the absolute happiness or the absolute pleasure throughout; I might not have the best shoulder to cry on or the most beautiful face to fall in love with. But, I know that in fact, these little imperfections in life actually make a life perfect.

So, I am a happy man and am thankful to my God for His blessings and the wonderful gift of life that He has given to me, and the wonderful people in shape of my family and friends with whom I have shared my life with.