Life at 40

Yesterday and the day earlier, I was going through my blog. I proofread it, fixed grammatical mistakes, and paraphrased some sentences. I know I have stopped writing regularly and I can see long gaps in my writing. At times, I do feel like writing something, but I procrastinate. I need to be regular because when I go through my old posts, I realise how my life has shaped up over the years. How my thoughts, worries, and joys have changed over the years. How have I transformed over the years? Today I have limited time. I will try to complete this post instead of saving it in drafts only to be completed next year. I have just dropped my kids off at school and the youngest one is at day-care. My wife is at work, and I am at home, all alone. I must complete a solution pack by Friday, and I should be concentrating on it instead of my blog, but I want to write something.

Reading my old posts yesterday, I realised how much my life has changed over the years. There has been a challenge in almost every other year of my life since I moved to Australia. Initially, I struggled with the emotional challenges of being alone, being homesick, and later, I had some work challenges for a year or two, and then personal relationships and family challenges. I also realised that some details of my life accounts are missing from my blog. Maybe I am afraid of what might happen if someone reads it and they know too much about me. Maybe I am scared of what they will think if my wife, kids, extended family, or friends read about it and judge me. I am 40 now, so I think I should stop worrying so much. I should live my life for myself, not for others.

I turned 40 this year. Time has passed so quickly. My eldest is 11 now. He will be starting high school next year. I have started to notice a lot of changes in myself and in my body. I caught a COVID earlier this year. There haven’t been any significant after-effects of it. But as I mentioned in my earlier blog, the lockdowns and working from home have made me mentally weak. My not seeing people for days (other than my family) and not talking to others has made my mind dull. I may have become a bit awkward at meeting people. I also realised that I have lived more than half of my life. If I am lucky, I may survive beyond 80, but I don’t know how many years I have got. At times, I am not afraid of death; I am afraid of my kids and my parents only. What would they do without me? Over the years, my parents have been my guiding force, whether good or bad. At times, my dad has encouraged me to take a lot of risks in my life, and all of them have been fruitful financially. I want to guide my kids when they are grown up to help them in their career, personal life, and life challenges. This is the fear I have that death will not let me guide my children.

Over the past few years, I have developed this fascination inside me of living on some spaceship or an underwater vehicle with enough supplies or systems to survive. This has come because of TV shows and movies related to apocalyptic life: Snowpiercer, Octonauts, Into the Night, Lost in Space, The Island, Star Trek, etc. Every night before sleeping, I imagine myself living in a spaceship, a submarine, or an underwater vehicle. I imagine how people live there and how they get their rooms or beds to sleep on. How do they find or grow food? I think I am watching Netflix too much.

Yeah, so this is what I wanted to write about. I have 10 minutes left before I start working on my solution pack. I must fix grammatical mistakes and have to publish this on my blog. I also have to come up with an interesting title for this post. So, I am signing off for now.

I just realised I want to write more (hint: house and the world in general), but that will have to wait for another time.

Dated: 26-October-2022