Regrets

Do you have any regrets in your life? Do you think if you had not done something in your past, things would be better in your life now? Is there ever a decision that you regret making? Is there any moment in your life in which you want to live again and do things differently? Do you have any regrets? I have seen people who say they do not regret their actions and decisions they have taken in their lives. Because that is what made them who they are. If you were to ask me, yes, I have regrets. Not one, but many. A few of them, I would say, are life-altering regrets. Sometimes I think if I had not taken that path or made that decision or acted differently in that situation, my life would have been much better and much different from now. But that is the beauty of life. You do not know what comes next, and unpredictability is the essence of life. If I look back on every phase of my life, I have some regrets. Probably not in the first ten years of my life, but after that. That leaves me with 29 years of regret. Maybe for the first ten years, I did not have any control or sense of what was happening in my life, so I did not have any choice about regrets.

My first deep regret started in my school life. I had the choice to change schools during year 10 and move to another school which had the reputation of its pupils getting the highest marks on the matric board. I felt emotional about leaving my previous school, where I had been studying since first grade, so I told my father that I did not want to move. However, I did not get the score I expected in Matric. I believe it was because of my school. I regret my decision deeply.

My second regret was not applying for the FSc. General Science group at Government College. I wanted to go for pre-engineering, and I could only get admission to FC College, which was second-best. I could have easily gotten into Government College in the General Science or Computer Science group, but I did not apply. Perhaps I was too overconfident in myself or ill-informed of the misfortunes of life. Ironically, 2 years later, I ended up at BCS in Government College.

Another regret was not applying to FAST for BCS. At that moment, it might have been a regret, but later I found it too small to remember.

During that phase of my life, I also went quiet. I stopped asking questions in class and felt shy when speaking in front of others. This has mainly to do with the circumstances of my home during that time.

The next few regrets were because of friendships I made or broke during my university education. But I guess that happens to most of us during college/university life.

In my early 20’s, one regret that I had was when I declined admission to the LUMS MS program. I think I should not have done that.

In my mid-20s, I regret not grooming myself physically and intellectually. I had time, money, and all the resources, but somehow, I kept holding myself.

I regretted the few friendships that I made during those times. I wish I had not done those.

So far, all my regrets have been related to not getting admission into school/university or having bad friendships. But when I look back, I do not know if they were life-altering regrets. Maybe yes or not. I cannot say anything for certain. But if I had made a proper decision, I would have been more content and confident with my life, having a sense of accomplishment. That is what I think, and I may be wrong.

But all these appear to be trivial regrets compared to what I gained later in life. I think I should have married later. I should have travelled the world before and settled into a life and career. Getting married at 27 was not a good decision that I made. It has nothing to do with my spouse, it has to do with myself. I should have waited for the right moment. Waiting a couple of years was not harmful. I should have waited and trusted myself instead of trusting others. But, when I trusted myself earlier, I was left with regrets. Therefore, I thought that maybe, for one time, I could trust others to make decisions on my behalf.

"Magar saab jab kismet mai hi dosh ho to sonay ki kaan mai jitna marzi doondo haath mai pathar hi aayeenge.. sona kabhi nahi milay ga."

But then with the decisions that I made, I can live with those regrets, but with the decisions that others made, I regret them more.

What an irony of life !!!

I am editing this post after a year. My current regrets are bad investments in stocks that I made. I should have waited or should not have become too greedy. Staying in Australia for more than a decade is also another regret. I should have moved out of here, but now I am stuck.