But for now, my dear, when will I ?

Today, on my return from work on the bus, I checked the news on Twitter. The dollar rate in Pakistan has increased again. This made me sad, and I feel sorry for the economic conditions of my country. For the past 7.5 years, my only dream has been to relocate back to Pakistan. When I decided to move to Australia, I was certain that it was a temporary move. After acquiring Australian citizenship, I will move back to Lahore. Since then, almost every day I have spent my idle time planning for that. Initially, I thought I needed to save enough money so that I could build a decent house easily. The initial desire was to build a good, decent-sized house in a relatively posh housing society in Lahore. For this purpose, I have been sending all my savings to Pakistan. I didn’t buy a house in Sydney as I was afraid that it might tie me to Australia and would make it hard to move out of Australia. I never thought about what I would do in Pakistan, but the only thing I knew was that I would eventually move back. It’s been 7.5 years, and even though I have made quite good savings, which is enough for me to build a house in the most upscale area of Lahore, now the question is how I will survive there. What work am I going to do there? Living in a beautiful home is a dream, but for daily expenses, what will I do? How will I earn enough to run my kitchen and bear the expenses? I knew for a fact that I couldn’t do a job there. Firstly, there are not many job prospects there and, secondly, I don’t think I have the temperament for doing a job in Pakistan. That leaves me with two options. Either do a business or have enough savings and investments that I don’t have to work. Doing business in Pakistan is tough because you can’t trust people over there. In the matter of money, there is a lot of cheating. For other options, it will take many years to save more and put it in an investment that will be enough for me to pay my monthly bills. However, it is a fact that my parents are getting old. I want to spend time with them. Also, my kids are growing. I want them to be adjusted to the Pakistani environment. I want them to know and learn about their roots. The clock is ticking. Time is passing. I so much want to move there as soon as possible. But the conditions in my country have been deteriorating. The hope for betterment is fading. I don’t know what to do. This is making me re-consider my dreams. A doubt has crept into my heart about what I will do if I am not able to re-adjust there. What if I regret it after moving back?

 

But for now, my dear, when will I move back to my home? I miss it. Sometimes, I have tears in my eyes when I think about it. I miss my mother and my home. I have never enjoyed living abroad. I miss home. I want to go back to my home... to my parents... to my Lahore.

2018: A year in review - Loss of words

It's June 2019. I have become quite lazy about writing my blog. In fact, I don’t feel like writing much. I think I have lost the words to speak or write. Either I have become lazy or disinterested. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Anyway, 2018 wasn’t a happening year. The first half was certainly bad, quite bad, I must say. I made some bad decisions. I over-reacted to certain situations. I messed up quite a lot of things. I don’t know, but that was not a good part of the year to remember. The after-effects of last year's family issue continued this year. I visited Pakistan in February. Only one aspect of that trip was fun. The rest of the trip was worse. My parents also visited us in Australia during Ramadan.

Work-wise, the year was both busy and slow. I got a good bonus and a pay raise. That was the best bit I remember from work. Hmm... I visited Pakistan again in December. The first part of the trip was awesome. I met many of my old friends. My trip continued till the first week of February 2019. I will talk about it next year.

My kids, I love them. Only they can make me happy. I think I have lost faith in most of my relationships, but the love I have for my kids is eternal. They love me too. I hope they continue to love me like this forever. But I know it won’t be like that forever. Anyway, they have made me happy. They are the only reason I have any colour in my life.

Perhaps it’s the most boring year in review post I have ever written. But the truth is I don’t have any words to say. I so much wanted to write about new stuff, but I didn’t know where to start. I am at work right now, and I am tired and sleepy. That’s it for now.